Warning: This will be a very long post. I have been on a blog leave for quite a while and a lot of things have happened. Plus, I missed sharing stories to Nero’s virtual friends. (Oh yes, my imaginary friend has imaginary friends too! I’m crazy like that. =D)
Let me begin by sharing a story I don’t think I cannot can’t remember…
It was just an ordinary Friday. She woke up earlier than usual. She’s not scared. She will not worry about something that’s not concrete. She believes there is nothing to it. She realized that she’s pep-talking herself and immediately pulled up her towel and off she went to the bathroom. She did her thing. With fingers trembling and heart pounding, she waited. One minute. Two minutes. It seemed to be taking forever. Five minutes tops. She took a very brief shower. Her thoughts raced.
She dialed his number automatically while she donned a pair of jeans and tops. He wasn’t picking up so she decided to send him an SMS. She slid a white plastic inside her bag and left. She pressed the elevator button almost painstakingly. She’s lost in her own thoughts. Walking down the hallway seemed to be taking longer than necessary.
She waited for him at McDonald’s. She ordered fries and nuggets, oblivious of the world around her. When he arrived, he was calm. As what they would usually say about a storm. Calm before the tempest. But she was even thankful for his organized thought process then. He suggested that they take the day off. She’s a willing zombie.
It was way too early, so they waited the time to pass. He talked to her, convincing her that everything will be okay. She silently cried, not knowing what the tears were for. He was reassuring. He was the usual himself again – fast and quick decision maker. He told her the things they needed to do. She went with the flow.
They endured a whole day of waiting in vain. It was never easy for both of them. But he showed that he cared; he showered her with promises, with concrete plans and everything that she needed then. She held on to his words. She believed him. She loved him more. In her eyes, he was the most ideal and perfect partner.
Though both of them were pretty much exhausted, the day ended with a bit of luck on their favor. With all those rushing ideas and decisions that they had to do, he dropped her off to where she lives and they parted ways. Both of them needed rest and sleep.
It had been a long and tiring day. To describe how it happened to her was beyond words. She tried to interpret what it was…
After a while, she came to a conclusion that it was God’s test to their love and commitment to each other. They failed.
Maybe, it was a wakeup call to both of them.
The sad thing is, he woke up and she didn’t…
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Okay. It was a super sad story. And as I reviewed this blog, I came to a realization that this has become the haven of my bitter, angry, bipolar and depressive thoughts for about a year now. Forgive my musing, but I am going to summarize the year that was in this long entry. It should be long because this is the last time I am going to talk about it. THE LAST TIME. Mark my word. Hahaha =D
So while I was away from all these social networking phenomena, I took a careful look of the person that I’ve become as a result of this “quarter life shipwreck”.
Before all these things, I perceived myself as a woman who knows what she wants and will work her way to get it; a friend who offers positivity and looks at the brighter side of things when the rest of the world seems to be dark and gray; a strong willed young lady who doesn’t get affected easily of what other people would think or say about her; a kid at heart who enjoys and appreciates life – even at it’s very mundane or worst offering; a crazy, happy little girl; a fighter but wise and sensible daughter; a person who firmly believes in the power of love; a woman who still thinks that she can change the world in her own little ways; a young fella with immeasurable faith to the One up there.
Call me conceited but I believed I am those things.
And then I got myself so tangled and wounded up from the heartbreak. Yes, it was way more than just a broken heart — I was a broken soul. I lost my carefree spirit. It’s hard to lose the person you love, but what hurts more is losing yourself in the process. I didn’t blame the other person involved, but I blamed myself. I started believing that I was fat, I was ugly and that I am a bad person. That everything I perceived myself to be was just that – a perception. It was really the lowest of low. Confidence down the drain. My self esteem went below sea level. The nothingness of having nothing. I lost my faith. I suddenly do not want to pursue my lifelong dreams. I gave up my beliefs. I felt there was no reason to be happy. There came a point that I don’t even want to look myself at the mirror because I can see it in my very own reflection how unhappy I am. A friend even suggested that I may need to visit a shrink. And I was so close to getting professional help. Yup, that’s how horrible it was.
Of course I tried to fight the negativity and depression. God knows how much I prayed for the pain to go away. I was praying for it every time I hit the snooze button, while under the shower, while riding the public transport, while walking – name it. I prayed so hard because I know He knows what I am going through. I tried everything I can within my power and ability. I started exercising to take my mind off things. I went through the excruciating habit of spending way beyond my normal splurge just to be pleased for a while. I called most of my friends and organized this and that gatherings. I travelled. I joined a club. I busied myself at work. I attended speed dating events. I tried my damnest best to forget everything.
But then the agony won’t just go away. I would be okay for a while and then something will come up and I’m back into the cycle again. Nakakaloka! Promise. It was really messy and chaotic. I managed to put a façade that all is well outside. Only my inner joints can attest the pangs. Then it came to a point that I don’t want to go to church anymore because I feel so little before Him. I felt that He doesn’t love me because I think He is not listening to my pleas. No matter how much I pray, wala eh. Hindi ako malakas sa Kanya.
A recent incident took another U turn and yes, my whole world was turned upside down again. But surprisingly, it took a lesser searing pain. My dearest friends did not leave me and never did once that they judge the way I’ve been with this whole charade.
People here and there would tell me that I deserve much better. I twinge a little every time I hear this. Not that I don’t agree with them, but for posterity’s sake, let me say this: He was a great man. I maybe blinded by love but I’m a sensible person. I wouldn’t fall that hard if I didn’t see anything special to him. Maybe it was just not meant to be. As simple as that. I’m just unlucky because I was knocked down hard and low. I am not proud that there’s this person who can claim that I went overboard and I went gaga over him, but truth be told, I do not give a shit anymore.
So, going back, I met new friends. I reconnected with old pals. I never felt alone again.
I got so thrilled when I slowly felt the progress I am making, in just a few days. Then I realized that maybe they were right. That was the final leg of my moving-on. I’ve suffered long enough and maybe the feelings would just go away. It finally did. So it is true that there will come a time that a person will finally come out of the depression ball. It just takes time. And I owe it to those people who never left me during the darkest days. Your SMS, PMs, comments, emails, tweets – I will be forever grateful for the love and friendship. =) I was sincerely overwhelmed by the loads of support I got, and I apologized to the Big Dad because for a time I thought He didn’t love me. I was loved by many. And He loves me. He made it a point to prove how much He understands my pain, and that He never left me through these people who patiently listened whenever I cry over and over the same things.
Despite the super busy schedule at work these past few weeks, I was able to redeem the broken heart and soul. Bit by bit, the tattered pieces of me found their ways in getting back together. It may have a trace of scarred me, but scars are beautiful. It only means one survived a battle. Not only that, I was able to appreciate myself again as I used to. Maybe it will take a while to redefine the things that I want, to rebuild the lost faith and beliefs, but one thing is sure – I will make it happen.
If there’s anything that I am thankful for, it is the fact that I became a better and stronger person. I think I learned all the necessary life lessons I needed to learn from here. Yup, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. =P
To Nero’s imaginary friends who kept up in reading this 3-page blog, congratulations! Yehey! I shared this story to you so that if one day, you find yourself ‘lost’ and all these shit that I wrote, think of me and tell yourself that I’ve had it worse. But it eventually got well again. I always hear my boss say that things and situation can only get better. I’ve proven that he’s right. Always remember that no matter how cliché it is, everything happens for a reason. You just have to trust Him. I haven’t discovered the real rationale behind all these, but I trust that it will crop up as beautifully as He plans it to be. It will take some time for every piece to fall in their proper places. In God’s perfect time. =)
That’s it. Starting today, I will TRY to live up to the subtitle of this blog –to START ALL OVER AGAIN. No more bitterness.
All the craziness in my life has finally died down. I am officially closing this chapter. FINALLY. =)
Nero del Nero 