Meet my imaginary friend, NERO ;)

I’m just an ordinary girl, but with a crazy-kind-of-life. For real. I’m a “conversation piece”, as my boss-slash-friend Paulo would like to put it. I feel normal most of the times though. (If being normal means I just want to bum around and still earn money.. hehe).

But some crazy months ago, I was weird. I can’t exactly remember when I had Nero in my imaginative-slash-crazy mind. Somewhere in between 2008 and 2009 I guess. (haha. Ang lawak lang ng range?) I watched a psychological horror film (The Shining) with my then boyfriend Seph, about a kid who has an imaginary friend named Tony. It all started as a prank. I was inspired to imitate Danny (the kid) who had Tony. Obviously, I named my friend after me. My male version. But he was 10 years old. And he’s nice. And he’s like my little prince-cum-friend.

Nero is my right index finger. I don’t know how but Nero has this kind of hoarse/creepy voice. I know it’s me but I guess for easier differentiation lang. haha. (See? I’m really crazy.) Nero (okay, me) often talks to Seph, Apple and Chin. He loves pancit canton. And then eventually, Nero met roomies at 25C. He is usually with us a few hours before bedtime. Habang nagpapaantok lang. Then he met the rest of my GT friends.

They started calling me (as in me, Neri) Nero. That was the start of us being one. (watda?!)

I stopped showing/talking/introducing him to my other friends. Because I felt that I had to stop the prank I’m playing. I felt that I should respect this friend who lives with me. There were some points when we just stopped talking. But, being a true friend that he is, he comes out when I’m in trouble. Or whenever I’m sad. Or weary. My little prince gives me comfort, and words of wisdom.

Weird and crazy, I know. I may not be normal. Because normal ADULT people do not have imaginary friends. I’m sure that I don’t have psychotic tendencies though. I’m emotionally and mentally stable. Research says that it’s more common for kids to have these “companions”, and that it’s beneficial when you’re a kid –especially that it cultivates creativity and imagination. But, most kids lose their imaginary friends between their third and fifth birthday.

I’m turning 25 in two months. And I’ve decided not to kill-slash-throw away my friend in some other planet. 🙂

Bad. Hair. Day.

I doonnttt get it. Hah!

YESTERDAY. I was giving these amazing words of wisdom to a friend about trusting God, that He is maybe planning something bigger and better for her, and letting go of the things that hurt. About emptying your hands to receive much more blessings. That those heartaches are always good, because it is His way of saying there’s someone better. I was feeling super A-okay.

TODAY. Kaboom. Just this morning, pucha, naiiyak ako on my way to work. I didn’t wake up on the wrong side of the bed though. Promise. I was even thinking of ideas for our 10am brainstorming session. And as I rode on MRT, positive thoughts pa. I was praying to find forgiveness in my heart, since I’m not a fan of that excess baggage. Ayoko ng may kaaway. Then, I dunno. I just felt this lump in my throat. As usual, I hold back the tears. *masisira kasi make up ko*

Come ABS, derecho sa CR. Tapos maghapon na kong umiiyak. In my desk! I had to wear my glasses *props* to cover my red eyes. O_O I hate the feeling of being defenseless. I hate it that I think I’m trying to pretend that I am okay now. Tapang-tapang-an lang. Two weeks! Kinaya ko naman hindi malungkot at umiyak ng two weeks. I thought I am over with the D stage.

Apparently, I am so not.

In theory, I know how to cope up and move on. Yung application, dun lang tayo nahihirapan. I still need time. *Sigh*

2am. Sunday

Because of the almost 14 hours of sleep I had today, (err, yesterday, so to speak) my mind is still in its full active state. So what’s going on?

(1) Thoughts of Nero, my 10 year old imaginary friend, are coming back to me. It seems so yesterday that he was with me, by me. I missed him. Maybe I should write something about him (me?) next time. I’ve been googling (uhuh) about imaginary friends during adult stage. Rare daw yon. Okay fine. Ako na ang weirdo.

(2) I can’t let go of the news that one of my girls has broken up with her boyfriend of 4 years. Aww. I feel so bad about it. Ganito pala yung feeling. 😦 Let’s be strong together, okay? Someday it’s gonna make sense. *MJ*

(3) Met up with grade school friends. We were orignally four in the barkada, thus we’re the “apat na sikat”. Mahaha. Jenny (who wasn’t able to come) is getting married next year. Boyang and CC are both in a long term relationship and have plans of slicing the cake by 2013, maximum. Kamusta naman yon? I mean, I’m happy for them. Really. It just made me realize that I’m the odd one left out. Sigh. Pero, di bale. Darating din yun. *sabay tingin sa langit*

(4) I’m happy that I finally sold my DS. To my sister. Atleast dba. Syemps, kahit papano may sentimental value pa rin yun. *kapal, benta pa talaga?*

(5) What should I do? My ex’s mom keeps on texting me stuff. Like, I should get back in a relationship with his son. Aargh. I hope it’s that simple.

…so there goes my list of not so random thoughts. Haha. Labo mehn! 😀

A week that was…

Haay. It has been a fully loaded week. Despite being a 4 day work week, it felt more than a normal 5 day work week (define normal work week: 3 days of work, 2 days of petix. Hehehe. XD). A run down of the week that was:

Monday, 11/15 – yippee! Sweldo. Plus 13^th month (or is it 14^th?) for some. And because of that, GT friends treated us to a Central booze. Hell yeah. Let’s start the week right, eh? The drinking session started early (read: 6pm). Loser that I am, I had to stay in the office for a few more hours because of a deadline. Pfffttt! I was really tired, and I badly needed to get some sleep. Gail and I, again, caught a super malas na taxi. It was pretty scary because the driver looked like some addict and he kept on looking at us, with the lights on. Freaking ride. Fortunately, I was able to get there at Central unscathed. Another loser fact: I am drunk. With mango juice and water. Mahaha. (Ohh. I told them I’ll have an exam tomorrow.)

Tuesday, 11/16 – Balisa. That’s how I felt the whole night. I was up even before my alarm clock hit 6am. I was so scared and I can’t help feeling miserable. But God is good. He never fails me. I am back on track. I am more than HAPPY. 🙂 Angel and I decided to eat at Banana Leaf in Trinoma. I swear, I’m never gonna eat there again. Ever. Peppermint Mocha after. By 3pm, we went to UP Chapel because I really wanna thank God for not letting things go out of my control. Ice cream at Shopping Center then Isaw at Kalay. Burp! April and CJ (April’s idk.. they don’t have a label yet .. 😉 ) fetch us and we went back to Trinoma. (adik lang?)  It was a couple day. We even saw Jing and Vin. Dinner with Janice and Ryan, CJ and April, me and Angel (ngekk?!) at Taco Bell. Too much food!!!

Bummer: I had to work after gala. Boooo!

On the side: Happy birthday to my sis, Jell! Lakas kay PNOY, holiday! *hugs*

Wednesday, 11/17 – Still, stressed at work. Til my heartaches end, round 2. I’m not a Kimerald fan, but I got free passes, so why not?? 🙂 Today is Frineth’s 2^nd date, and they had cake for pasalubong. I was full from my El Pollo dinner, but I was able to eat it all. Hahaha. Thanks sir fridel. 🙂

Woot woot! My appetite’s back! 😀

Thursday, 11/18 – I feel a little off so I decided to take a hot shower this morning. What’s new? Rush things in the office. My head hurts badly. But what can I do? ATC’s despedida at Pareng Mol’s. By mid afternoon, I was sneezing and coughing so baaddd. But since we’ve already booked a badminton session, game on! Played with Jo, Jing, Neth and Angel. It was super fun. I so love these girls. ♥ Banchetto dinner (now with Sir Fridel) until 2 am. Huntahan at tawanan. Namiss ko talaga to. I told them about a guy I met on the internet. Harhar. 😀

Friday, 11/19 – Puyat = Late. I’m still not feeling well. I feel so tired, stressed and sleepy. But then again, bad news daw. I have to stay late today because of another deadline. Pfft! Anyways, I hope not. As of this writing, looks like my Bannaple date with Angel will push through. I deserve a break. Right?

In conclusion, I need some sleep. Rest Cortez. happy weekend na!!! 😉

Top 10 Places I need to revisit before my birthday

For my peace of mind and a happier heart, I’ve chosen to relive the top 10 places we’ve shared as a couple. (Oh.. O f course, I’m STILL mending a broken heart.. Hehe…) I know for a fact that the easiest way to get this over and done with is to expose myself of the memories, so as not to still think about it and hopefully, the pain will be gone. 🙂 See? I can now put a smiley. I’m getting there. Tadah! 🙂

Here goes my list of “OUR” special places: (in no particular order)

1.      Tongyang, Megamall

• We are social eaters. We both loved to eat out, and we can gobble for 3 hours! We spent a lot of lazy Saturday afternoons pigging out in Tongyang. Haha. I swear, once I get my appetite back, I’m gonna pig out here again!!! 🙂

2.      Toy Kingdom

• He is such a kid at heart. We can’t go to Megamall/V-mall without dropping by at Toy Kingdom. I will always remember the good and happy times here. (Please forgive me I’m getting confused when to use past and present tenses.)

3.      Clinica Manila

• As what he always joked about me, lining up for a check-up is my hobby. Hehe. I just want to use my Maxicare (I know.. lame!!) so I make it a point to always go to the doctor whenever I feel something’s wrong with me – 2D echo, ultrasounds, xrays, ECG, OB gyne check, name it. I did it here, with him.

4.      Festival Mall

• Closest mall near his home (15 mins) and mine (1 hour and a half?). Yeah. I travel all the way from Batangas just to spend a day with him here. No regrets about that travel though, because I was so hooked, remember? Whenever we feel like it. Here’s where we spent our supposedly 2^nd anniversary and where we bought his LCD TV (oops.. did I mention that they often mistook us as married couple??). Ohh.. and Yewna loved that day she tagged along with us.

5.      Starbucks Pioneer

• Sbux Pio is the ultimate witness of our numerous talks, sweet and sad ones. We can stay up until the wee hours of the morning just talking. (Those were the days when he was still living in a condo.) We officially became a “couple” here.

6.      Robinsons Pioneer

• Being the mall closest to where he works and where I live here in Manila, we often meet up outside Rob Pio. I could still picture him lighting his yosi, before and after our “date”. And of course, the many goodbye kiss.

7.      Ace Hardware, Handy Man, Blims furniture, anything with home décor in it!

• I am so inlove with hardware stores and home depot! I feel like a mom ready to take the responsibility of nurturing a home. I think I’ve influenced him in my whims of lurking around the various “good-finds” inside any of these stalls.

8.      Vacation Spots (spent with him)

• In the past 3 years, we’ve travelled to Zambales, Cebu and Bohol,  Ilocos, Vigan, and Malaysia. He’s not the type who desires to travel much because as he put it, “waste of money”. You’ll just get pictures and memories. Haha.  He would spend his money for his toys instead. But I got to convince him for these trips. And it was fun. It was once fun. I do not intend to go back in any of these places soon, but I intend to have another vacation and FUN without him.

9.      Globe Telecom

• Who doesn’t know? This is where it all started. That one fateful night of October. I guess October is his love month, eh? Anyways, I’d love to go back in Globe and reminisce those days, when we were still happy and full of love. (sob, sob, sob…)

10.  Greenhills

• His favorite mall. Of all time. Because of his toy addiction, we frequently went here to… well, look for toys. And because I love to shop, that makes it heaven for both of us. This is the only mall that I’ve learned to memorize by heart.

Side story: I just went there last Saturday with Angel. It felt soooo nostalgic. I can see “us” staying up late in Starbucks, dining out in Promenade, lining up in the taxi stand, getting soaked in the rain, watching movies, shopping in tiangge, roaming around the cellphone stalls.. argh. The list goes on. Ending: I was a crying mess on the way home. Believe me. It wasn’t easy.

But I promise myself I’ll take the necessary steps in moving on. This is step 1. I’m letting go of the memories. Of a love that once was… REAL. 🙂

Note: I dunno where I could put another spot since it’s just 10 and I promised not to go there. Hanging out in Gateway and someplace else. Still, twas special. But hey, I cannot afford to even spend a night there, alone.

Kunting respeto LANG. 11.02.2010

Alam kong wala kang pagsidlan ng galak. At hindi kita masisisi. Naiintindihan ko, seryoso. Yeah, been there, done that. Minsan na rin akong sumama sa cloud 9 sayo. Sakin pa nga nanggaling ang metaphor na yan. Kaya sa maniwala ka at hindi, nauunawaan ko ang nadarama mo.

Pero sana, kunting respeto naman. Delicadeza kumbaga. Bilang isa sa mga naging bahagi ng makulay na buhay pag ibig mo, napakasakit marinig na ganun ganun lang ang naging turing mo. Trial and error. In preparation for her. It didn’t work out with anyone else because it’s you all along. Oh crap. Maaring totoo. Pero sana naman, maisip mong may isang taong nasasaktan ng bonggang bongga dahil sayo. Ewan ko ba. Ang haba ng hair mo. Mas masakit marinig mula sayo na alam mong nasasaktan ako pero wala lang. Masaya ka e. Minsan ka lang naman magpahayag ng sayang nararamdaman mo. Bleh for me. Hindi ko naman inaasahan na papahalagahan mo pa rin ako gaya ng dati e. At alam ko namang responsibilidad ko ang kasiyahan ko. Sa akin lang naman, ang selfish ng ginawa mo. Nakakagalit kasi pinilit ko pang itago sa iba ang detalye ng hiwalayang ito. Para mo na rin akong hinubaran sa harap ng publiko.

Tama ka. Wala kang kasalanan. Dahil naging honest ka naman sa simula pa lang. At desisyon ko to. Wag mo na sana akong itulak sa puntong maisip ko pang dapat pagsisihan ang maraming bagay na may kinalaman sayo. Na ikaw ang pinili ko 3 years ago. Na naghintay at umasa akong magiging maayos rin tayo. Na parati lang akong nandito para sayo. Na nasayang ang lahat lahat ng pagmamahal, pang unawa at panahon ko sa relasyong to.

Siguro nga, karma na rin sakin to. Nung bago pa lang tayo, hindi ko rin naisip na kakagaling mo lang din sa isang seryosong relasyon. Ang tanging depensa ko lang, alam kong ang relasyong yun ay wala ng patutunguhan. Dahil yun ang sinabi mo sakin. Ngayon, siguro nga, para sayo ay wala RIN naman tayong pupuntahan. Masakit, sobra. Dahil heto lang ako, steady lang. Para sa akin, maayos naman tayo. Kung ang ibang tao nga, nag eexpect na magkakabalikan tayo, ako pa kaya? Walang wala sa hinagap ko. Pero anu pa nga bang aasahan ko? Hindi naman ako dapat nagulat. Ganyan ka. Mabilis lang lagi para sayo ang lahat. Mabilis kang pumili, makalimot, mag isip, magdesisyon. Bilang hindi naman ako ganun, naiwan tuloy ako sa pansitan. Pero wag kang mag alala. Hindi pa ako desperado. Hindi ako gagawa ng istorya katulad ng ibang tao. Hindi ko ipagpipilitan ang sarili ko sa taong ayaw sakin. Walang kasing hirap. Balak kong unti unting tanggapin. Matiisin naman ako. Kakayanin ko.

Darating ang isang araw na pagtatawanan ko na lang din ang lahat ng ito. Pero sa ngayon, hindi ko kayang kimkimin ang sama ng loob ko. Bitter ba kamo? Oo ang pait pait ng panlasa ko. Natutulala pa rin ako sa mga nangyari. Pasensya na, hindi ako katulad mo. Slow lang ako e. Ang hiling ko lang, sana naman bigyan mo muna ako ng sapat na panahong makaahon sa putik na pinagsadlakan mo.

PS: Sana ay kaya ko ring ipost sa FB ‘to kagaya ng ginawa mo. Pero hindi ko pa kaya. May natitira pa akong respeto at pagmamahal sayo.

PPS: Pasintabi sa emosyon mong masasagasaan ko. Kung masaya ka, galit ako.

October’s Over 10.31.2010

That was fast.
I started my October with an emergency leave on the 1st. (Oh how can I forget??)
Legend of the Guardians movie date.
Attended a 10-10-10 wedding.
News about AF moving to Japan.
Heartbreak on the 15th.
Another “Juan” of a kind wedding amidst the typhoon on the 18th.
Been stranded in Cagayan for a day.
Yewna and Mimi’s birthday (and Caitlyn too).
A week full of uncertainty followed right after.
Gishee with my best buds Jell and Jelai.
Reunion with Seggy ladies at Antipolo.
Barangay Elections.
The talk.
Comedy movie.
Booked a trip to Singapore by June 2011.
1st Trick or Treat in ABS.
Halloween booze with friends.

But I need to sober up.
Because October’s over.
And it was life changing.

Whatever… 10.29.2010

I stopped writing in my journal, probably for two weeks now.
I told myself, I don’t want to remember the pains, the sleepless nights, and the depression that comes with it.
But somehow, I feel like a bubble that might burst anytime soon.
And so I need to let it out of my system.
I’d love to throw some plates in the wall, if that could lighten up my mood.
Slapping someone in the face could probably rally round.
I’d like to travel alone in some distant places, just to ease the sting.
Because, after so many attempts to find that one person, I always end up fighting for nothing.
Honestly, it’s tiring.
It’s traumatic. 

I want my appetite back. I want my life back.

Dreams… 05.19.2008

Now from my multiply site. 😉

I’ve been dreaming almost every night…

Minsan nakakainis, minsan nakakatawa. May nakakatakot, may mga wala lang. But most of the time, I end up waking very tired, so exhausted and toxic talaga. I get so grumpy in the office after those dreams. I’ve been documenting these delusions and now I’m into episode 19! There are nights that I get so anxious of going to bed because of the thought that I might have nightmarish trance again.. 😦

Is this some kind of sleeping disorder? Or do they mean some “things”?

Differences – 03.03.2008

It has been 2 months and 5 days… And as they say, there’s no such thing as “perfect relationships”…

Years of involvement with a romantic partner does not guarantee that you would know what will be the best things to do, compromise and petty things to disregard the next time you got yourself into the block. Sometimes just the differences of two people involved could create a total havoc. Simple things. Where are we going to eat? What are your hobbies? What are you thinking? Questions that often lead me thinking when I don’t want to. And it’s kinda frustrating when you hear your partner complain of you being a “lazy thinker”. Because he is a thinker.

“For conversations’ sake…” I quote.

But then, it still depends on us. I guess.